The day had begun chilly and the Tolworth closure meant the traffic was a bit heavy along Rushett lane but there had been frustration last week with the heatwave forcing the cancellation of the long ride out to Eton and despite a couple of late withdrawals we had twenty four turn up for the Bs.
By the time the first group set off the sun was strong but offset by a cooling breeze. But once we were past Great Bookham we were cut off from the outside world by the lush vegetation. Chapel Lane and then Little Switzerland felt like a trip through some secret forest and then we were on top of the downs with that glorious view over the Epsom Racecourse and out to the north west, as far as Wembley's arch.
Tim's group making their way up Mill Way
Paul's group at the top of Leech Lane
Tim and his group at Tattenham Corner
We all felt we'd had a good ride, pretty fast by B Group standards, but we had not made that much headway on the chasing groups as they joined us sitting at tables set up for the afternoon football match in the garden of the Woodman for lunch.
Well, two thirds of them joined us. Where was Bernard and his group?
Should I text them? Had they had an accident? No, we would surely meet them as we went back along Banstead Lane??? No! They were lost. Gone. Wandering somewhere in the secret woods. Was I destined to go down in history as the man who lost an entire group on a ride? The George III of cycling? There will have to be a Board of Enquiry.
Creepy. The last known sighting of Bernard & his group
It was when we got down to Cheam that I got a call from Martina. They had missed the Woodmansterne turn and were lunching in Cheam Park instead.
So on we hammered to Kingston Church where the lady was clearly planning to close at three despite the advertised closing time of four and the promise of further custom. I shan't be using them again.
We had our tea and coffee and awaited the others, Julie and Ray were the only survivors of John's group who needed refreshment so we went to Costa in the market where you can guard your bikes easily and there we were joined by Tim G and Bernard and Sabina, who had managed to find their way to Kingston, reporting that Dawn, who had determinedly slogged her way up the inclines (having practised yesterday in a car!) had left them to buy an electric bike.
Thanks everyone for the company. Thanks Jane and Keith for putting up with being omitted from the riders' list. Thanks Tim and John and Bernard for leading, and thanks, Gill and Julie for each buying me a coffee. I hung around in the hope that some other nice woman might buy me a third but it was not to be.
EVIDENCE TO THE BOARD OF ENQUIRY
Filed by Bernard P
Sub leader number three
write up for Wednesday ride 1st July 2026
Cobham – Woodmansterne (or as it turned out, Cheam) -
Kingston
Elevenses. The
British Legion café. Squadron Leader’s
instructions to subbies. Time,
approximately 10.45 am... fifteen minutes before subbie number three begins the
ride. I smiled and continued daydreaming
about football world cup glory with me scoring a hat trick in the final whilst
something was being said about lunch in Banstead, avoiding peskily dangerous
roads and turning right or was it left at some roundabout, “... and that’s how
to avoid that busy road, altogether much safer.
See everyone at the Woodman for lunch!”
I agreed that it was a very good idea to keep safe... in fact it was one
of the top three principles I lived my life by.
The room was filtering out as the other groups departed and I marshalled
our riders.
Outside it was hot, heavy with sun. I attempted to cool the riders with a
sprinkling of some homespun humour, “anyone got the route?”.... I chuckled but
no one else did... it drew worried expressions. “Just joking!” At that point Sabina reminded me to turn
Garmi on. I wobbled slightly. Garmi made his usual burping sounds as he
woke up. I pressed ‘ride’ but nothing
happened. All eyes were fixed firmly in
my direction. I was starting to feel
quite sweaty. I pressed ‘ride’ again but
nothing. I had forgotten to convert my
recorded recce into a course... this was a blunder that if it ever got out
would ruin my reputation as a subbie. I
had to keep cool. I could feel the perspiration
collecting above the rim of my eyes and then the trickling of hot salty sweat
made its mercilessly way down my brow... but worse I now had a hostile invader
in my helmet or so it felt as an intense itch started to manifest itself at the
back of my cerebrum. I desperately tried
to visualise Garmi’s written instructions within that cerebrum of mine but to
no effect... I had never bothered to read them... who does! I’m a go-along
intuitive sort of individual and often this works, sort of, and when it
doesn’t, well, Sabina comes to the rescue.
I scrabbled through Garmi’s settings, found some options for rides,
routes and courses and decided the best I could do was press one of them... pressing
the wrong one would delete the recci ride altogether.... plan B would be to
follow road signs and stop to ask intelligent looking individuals for directions
along the way. As is my way in times of
unbearable stress I crunched my eyes shut and blindly pressed one of Garmi’s
options, which one, I have no idea to this day.
Garmi made a gurgling noise followed by a kind of low pitch buzzing and
ending with a popping sound... I opened my eyes and saw that the course was
loaded. I felt light and joyful... so
full of happiness that I forgot I was supposed to be leading a ride until I
looked up and saw all eyes fixed on Garmi and me. "Let’s go!”
Soon we were out of Cobham and into the gentle rolling
landscape of the Surrey Hills; lots of green speckled with dainty yellow
flowers or perhaps weeds, whichever, very pretty. A red kite glided above and away. Wagtails skimmed low across the flat of the
land.
There were hills to climb too. They took their toll on me; I felt their
weight, their load. For some reason my
bike felt heavy and the tyres rode thickly, but the real issue was my own
physical limitations. My calf and thigh
muscles felt tight, and my lungs could only process so much air at a time. Luckily, I was not in a race doing this for a
living or I would be in trouble. Chapel Lane albeit the easier side was tough and so was Lodge Bottom Road and
Tattenham. It was as if the rubber of
the tyres was melting into the tarmac of the road and they were becoming one
unified heap of slodge (a made-up word but that’s what it felt like, slodge).
Approaching Banstead I remembered something being said
about avoiding turning one way or the other at some roundabout and staying
alive. And so with my intuition in full
throttle mode I went straight on at the roundabout which took us down Sutton
Lane instead of left into Woodmansterne Lane.
For a short second or two Garmi indicated we were off route but within
the blink of an eye it showed we were back on track.
Very soon I sensed my riders’ unease, “where are we
going, isn’t lunch supposed to be at the Woodman?” I was puzzled too. By now we should have reached the pub but it
was nowhere in sight. I expected it
would pop up in view at any moment but it never did. I had every faith in Garmi... he’s never
wrong or at least he’s less wrong than me.
Soon we were in Sutton and then Cheam.
It was as if the Woodman had vanished, disappeared as happens in hideous
dreams,
My fellow riders were very good about the situation. Sabina came to the rescue... from her
nannying days she knew of a cafe in Cheam Park.
This was a very impressive piece of leadership on her part... no Garmi,
no map just a thorough sound knowledge of how to get to where we needed to get.
There was a summer’s day’s feel about the place...
mothers chatting at one table whilst their children, toddlers, played and
lolloped in the grass about them, friends and couples enjoying each other’s
company, pet dogs happily snoozing away the day and a gentle happiness
embracing everyone. Just right for our
weary legs.
Refreshed back on our bikes we got and Sabina led us
safely back into Kingston where we finished our ride and met up with the other
riders in Kingston Market Place.
All riders rode magnificently; they were, Anne, Dawn,
Martina, Sabina and Keith who kindly back marked. Thanks to Paul for putting together a great
route.
Now how did we miss the Woodman Pub? Well, I should have turned right on that
roundabout in Banstead into Woodmansterne Lane where the pub is located. By not doing so I went straight into the
afternoon section of the ride and that’s why Garmi said I was back on course
without me realising that I had cut our lunch stop. Thanks to great co-riders and Sabina’s
leadership skills all was saved and we had a great bike ride.
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